Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I wish this was real life…
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.