british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on