I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Welcome to the stomach
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.