Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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And that about sums it up.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Covid like
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book