Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Otters see a butterfly.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.