One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope