When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
one last job
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators