i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Does it…does it take 3 days
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Yes my dude
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.