This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
oh shit
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Ferrari squats
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Brb my Sims are getting married
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”