Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out