[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.