there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You Might Also Like
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.