Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Oh we’ve met.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?