Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.