The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.