The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.