If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter