Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
You Might Also Like
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow