Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]