pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
👾👾👾
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
how it started vs how it ended
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*