I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“our sushi is very fresh”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie