Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.