Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”