me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
#growingpains
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.