It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
That’s incredible! 👌
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo