My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.