Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
umm…
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.