Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
fair
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses