Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*me flirting
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.