the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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haha same
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.