Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*