my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.