*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom