Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.