– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s the weekend y’all
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ain’t no way
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.