the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life