Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Received some very disappointing news today
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring