As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…