“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Good morning, Twitter x
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.