Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
(more comics:
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Do not levitate over flowers
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.