If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.