When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.