That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.