Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
relationship goals
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.