Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
You Might Also Like
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
my professor scared me for a second
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.