The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!