11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
🤣🤣💀
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.