I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
an octopus is just a wet spider
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome