doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
do horses think humans are hats
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …