There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
doing some research
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.